How To Get Rid Of A "Friend"

Hey Everyone! :)

So Jaz and I have been making lots of "How To" posts this year and I decided to keep the trend going because I am in the mood for some teaching.

Or giving out advice - whichever floats your boat.

So today I'll be talking about how to get rid of fake friends and by fake friends I mean friends who you regret being friends with in the first place.

I, for one, am lucky enough to only have a few of those, so I am going to help you get rid of some of yours. I recently got rid of one of mine and I'm not going to name names so let's call him "Joseph".

I was sitting in class, and Joseph was being his annoying self, and of course I was being as polite as I could possibly be and ignoring him.

But he just kept persistently annoying me. As if on purpose.

Now, here's the thing - Joseph and I weren't necessarily "friends". I was just curious one day and decided to ask him if we were anything along those lines and he replied by saying that yes, we were friends.

So that day, I learned that I had gained a new friend.

And little did I know I would regret it.

It all began on the first day of school, whereas I sat alone at one of the back tables near the white-board and quietly got all my materials for the rest of the day. It was, of course, the first day of school so obviously I didn't know a thing about what to do or what to say or to simply nod or wave or smile when someone would look at me.

That morning, it had been going quite well.

It was fifth period and I recall the faint smell of peppermint as I entered the large room and saw my new teacher who was regarding all the new students with a wide grin of welcome. Immediately, I knew I'd grow to like this man and eventually I did.

Of course, since I'm not going to be naming names, let's call him Mr. Joe because it's getting late and I simply cannot think of anything creative at the moment.

So back to me, I sat alone in the corner of the table and I can't remember if Mr. Joe assigned the seats for us or if we merely chose to sit wherever we wanted, but all I remember is that I ended up across from my soon to be "friend".

To sum Joseph up, he was a complete douche.

And I never really took myself to be "too nice" or "too open" but in that moment I considered him a "friend", I was.

Joseph was rude. And he got in my personal bubble (which is at least seven inches away from me and wouldn't seem that big of a bubble, however, he managed to pop it simply by stretching his slim figure across the table). From that day on, I learned to dislike this Joseph and try to ignore him for as long as I could for the rest of the school year.

This was a complete disaster seeing as a few days ago, I was still considered his "friend".

Anyway, it all began on that day and soon I realized that he was indeed in nearly all my periods, excluding second period and if I had known the teacher would transfer to a different school second quarter, I'd have changed schedules immediately.

But as of 2015, I'm stuck with a young teacher who can't even staple his papers correctly.

Okay, so maybe I'm getting a little off track, but as you can tell from this far into my story that Joseph was simply everywhere and there was no possible way I could ignore him since I accidentally announced us (not that there is an us) as friends and I only just started to realize that maybe I didn't quite want to be friends with him.

If you get to know me, you will understand that sometimes I am a pushover but I am also impatient and have a slight temper (it runs in the family), I am also extremely sensitive and that is why most of the time I end up in arguments whereas I end up either writing or spurting out a five page essay that supports my claim and no one bothers to read or listen it anyway.

That being said, for the first three quarters of school I had been the pushover version of me - the one who let Joseph talk to me and act as if he could actually be my friend.

Sure, sometimes he was decent and actually nice for once, but most of the time he was a complete jerk who liked to swear way too often (as if it would make him cooler) and follow me around everywhere.

It also didn't help that he was shorter than me and liked to make racist jokes.

Now, if you recognize yourself to be Joseph or a Joseph, I recommend stopping before the person you follow around will end up punching you in the face for being an annoying pest.

Anyway, let's fast forward a few months later to the now.

In the now, there is me, and there is you.

You refers to Joseph.

There is no us.

In the now, I am forced again to be seated next to you (for the fifth time this year) and you are leaning into my personal bubble once again.

In the now, I am leaning away from you and shouting profanities in my head that can't be heard.

You are pulling my chair towards you.

I am gritting my teeth and telling you to stop.

Oh, but do you stop?

No.

You simply keep trying and trying to push me off the edge.

And this is the part where the pushover me has had enough and the impatient, rude, annoyed, fast-paced talker takes place and says with the most heated glance of anger ever stares into your eyes and says,

"Get out of my personal space, please."

Now you, who happens to be Joseph in this situation, looks at me and smirks,

"No."

At this point, I am fuming.

"You are in my bubble, and news flash - it's rude. So get out of it and maybe do me a favor and leave me alone as well."

Joseph decides to be a jerk again,

"Actually, if we're talking about personal space and bubbles here, my personal bubble goes all the way to Australia so why don't you get out of mine first?"

This conversation leads to a mixture of "I asked you first"'s and "No, I did" and eventually the annoyance built up inside of me is ready to burst.

I reply with,

"You do realize that if everyone were to get out of your personal space, you'd be a complete loner? Not even the president would go anywhere near you."

A few moments after this retort came out of my mouth, I soon realized that Washington D.C was actually not in between the US and Australia and maybe I should work on my geography skills after I finish arguing with Joseph.

I just hoped he would be stupid enough to fall for it.

And stupid he was.

"The thing is, if you moved all the way to the edge of Australia, you'd be out of my personal space and since your bubble only goes to here *points to the edge of the desk* I'd be way out of yours by then."

Let's just talk about his logic for a second here.

He's telling me to move to the edge of Australia simply to get out of his personal space and therefore making him get out of mine as well?

Wouldn't that be easier if he freaking moved instead?

Of course, I could've said something like "Wow, genius, why don't you move to Australia you jerk."

But I like to get the last word.

So, being the amazing person that I am, I simply stated.

"If you thought we were friends before, just know that we aren't now and if you think otherwise, you might want to visit the local therapist."

* * * * *

And that, fellow readers, is how you get rid of a "friend".